The last couple weeks has been getting increasingly difficult for me. My mental state is slowly collapsing as I get closer to the end of the month when I have to be moved out. I have no job yet, as a result I am border-line broke; the other week I was doing some tutoring before exams and it clicked – I need to get a job and soon. I miss my job. I miss being useful and giving my all in a classroom. I am tired of sitting at home being of no use to anyone.
I fear that I am slowly slipping into a bit of depression. I have been on edge and I cannot seem to get past this melancholy feeling that I’ve been having. It was only made worse when I attended the graduation ceremonies the other night. I’ve taught each of the students who were there, many of them with big plans to go places and get careers. Some are doing science or arts degrees at Memorial University, and one taking great strides to hopefully pursue a music career someday after he finishes a Recording Arts program at College of the North Atlantic.
It hit me, as it does after every graduation that I have helped to mould these young people. As long as I am sitting at home holding down the sofa there is nothing I can do. I am not doing what I love to do as long as I am not in a classroom. I am not at all happy that I have not heard about another job, and I am beginning to get discouraged about even getting one.
It was all too good to be true, getting a full time job when I was fresh out of university. Now that I have been doing this for a few years I am getting depressed about not being able to do it. I have been watching Boston Public, a show about the lives of high school teachers at an inner-city school in Boston, and it is not really helping my mental state. Watching other teachers doing what they love to do, wishing it was me doing it.
I realize this may be difficult for some people to imagine. I have people telling me all the time that they cannot imagine being a teacher because they wouldn’t want to be dealing with a room full of teenagers. For me, that is where the fun happens because that is what I do. That is what I love to do, and I sincerely hope that I am able to resume this in September. I cannot handle this road of unemployment much longer.